Boundary Setting in Indian Families

A long game play for long term gain.

Boundaries and Indian Families don’t go well together. Our collectivist society has put the needs of the whole before the needs of the individual. This has been essential for our survival against colonization and against immigration to countries that don’t always welcome us with open arms. This collectivism has been of value; and sometimes….it’s not.

We have grown up watching our parents do what they have to do for their families. Sometimes at the detriment of their own. We learn implicitly or explicitly, that putting the needs of your parents is of utmost importance. Men learn that they will take care of their parents when they’re older. Women learn that they have to sacrifice their needs for their children or their partner and in-laws. And we watch it happen.

Then we grow up and fight the fight to leave the house, to become independent and do our own thing.

And then the requests start to come in.

“Come over”;

“I made you some of your favourite food; come and pick some up”;

“Auntie needs some help with her ____, come and help me”;

“I don’t know how to book my flight, can you come over and do it for me?”

And it Just. Doesn’t. Stop.

You try to do what they wish because they worked so hard for you growing up. They paid for your education; gave you food and shelter and worked a lot of long hours and sacrificed so much. Surely, you can go over and help for a few hours. Of course, you can. But the requests just don’t seem to stop and it starts to get overwhelming.

In comes boundary setting, but with a twist.

Let’s say your parent gets mad at you that you’re not coming over as often as they would like.  They make comments about you hanging out with other people and how you never have time for them.  They tell you that they are coming over tomorrow whether you like it or not.  

What do you do?  First of all, it’s completely normal to be irritated, mad, upset etc.  It’s also normal to feel guilty.  

There is no way you are going to be able to speak to them openly. They will either scoff or lay the guilt trip on you. If we talk about our feelings and boundaries, we run the risk of further alienation and anger from them. Remember, that they supported their parents and families with no question (likely stuffing most of their feelings down which may have resulted in medical conditions or undiagnosed mental health issues…but that’s a post for another day)….so why can’t you?

A different take

Well, you’re going to have to accept their visit this time. I know, I know….you will have to acquiesce to their demands. But, I want you to do something different this time. I want you to use this time as an opportunity to pay attention; to try to understand what’s really going on.

Ask yourself……....”why does my parent want to spend so much time with me?” What could they be missing in their lives? What messages did they get about children growing up? What are they looking for when we spend time together?  Do they want to feel needed? Do they wonder if I appreciate them? Do they just want to connect with me because they are lonely? What could it be?

Spend that visit with a curious mind, observing them without judgement, paying attention to what they criticize you for, or what they talk about with you.  This is no easy task, go easy on yourself. Even if you find out one new thing about them, that’s good enough!

Reflect on this after the visit, and assess for yourself what your parents need from you.  If they want to feel needed - ask them genuine questions about something they are passionate about.  Eg. Ask them about something house related or how to make a specific food. If they just want to connect - visit them at a time that is convenient for you….be present and mindful and then go.  Let them down gently…..”I can’t come over today…I really want to - I need your help with something, but how does Tuesday sound?”

I can promise you they are not going to stop with their demands, or asking for them in the worst ways.  If you can talk to them about how it makes you feel…..go for it.  Stand strong in your boundaries.  You might feel less guilty because you will have met their needs in different ways - in the ways that you are able to give. You will still feel guilty for not doing everything; that’s not going to go away. You have to remind yourself that there is only so much you can do for someone else; and you have no control over the rest. It’s a challenge, but this acceptance can be freeing.

It’s okay if your parents are disappointed…continue to create a balance of honouring the needs of the collective and honouring the needs of yourself. The hope is that they will naturally accept what is given to them.