How to do what you want while caring about what people think.
Loki’n Kee Khenge. That’s Punjabi for - What will People Say? It’s one of the many phrases I used to hear growing up. Or some version of it.
Our parents were always worried about what other people would think. They would bring us out in front of their guests and ask us to perform something, or talk about our grades or share our achievements….whether that be dancing, doing some type of performance or talking about how well we are doing in school.
Back in India, this culture was so helpful for our parents. The connection that people have in villages and cities was unreal. You could depend on your neighbours, and it mattered what people thought of you, because there was a sense of survival connected to it.
Learning this now, it makes sense to me why our parents did this. And honestly, as social animals, we all have a desire to be liked and cared for by others. To feel like we belong. So, it’s common across cultures to worry about what other people think.
We also know how detrimental it can be.
As we grow, we have the responsibility to critically take a look at what we will accept and what we will reject. Guess what, our parents did it too.
They are not exact clones of their parents, and they likely disappointed their parents in some manner as well.
The balance between collectivism and individualism is a fine one. We have a right to want to do good things for our family and culture, AND to want our own happiness.
So, how do we do that?
Focus on your values
We really have to think about what our values are. Ask yourself how you want to live your life right now. Are you happy with the way you behave? Does your behaviour take you away from your values or bring you closer to them?
Validate and Honour The Collectivism
As I noted, the togetherness of the Indian culture has allowed for many of our ancestors to survive and thrive. We can respect it for the good that it has offered to us and be grateful that we have come from it.
Stand firm in your truth
This doesn’t mean that you won't be judged or criticized. Remembering that happiness is individual, and there are many, many ways to live a good life. We don’t have to do the same thing as the Gills or the Singhs.
Have a conversation with your parents
This can be a hit or miss, so engage at your own risk. But what I always say to clients is that your parents have grown up in a different culture. They are set in their ways and they may feel like this is the only way to be. Be gentle and patient with them. Easier said than done, I know. But, plant the seeds. As an adult, you may have more leeway, and sometimes they don’t get it until you start to live your life and the world doesn’t explode. They start to see that life like that IS possible.
Think about it, even with everyone worrying about what other people think - not everyone is living the EXACT same life. So how does that work? If there is a model that we have to aspire to, how come we are all different? Probably because we find ways to mix it up based on our own individual differences. So, if our families already do this…..then what’s to stop us from this.
It is normal to worry about what others think AND we still have to live life for what works for us in our lives. We aren’t our parents, and they are not their parents. We are meant to evolve, to change things up.
So, next time you hear that dreaded phrase or some version of it, take a deep breath, honour where that fear is coming from, check in with your values and do what you feel is right for you.
If you’d like to have some more guidance around this, let’s work together. Specific, personalized care can truly help shift perspectives and help you see things differently.